Missing My Daughter

I was thinking about titling this blog "Missing Daughter," but I didn't want to create false pretense to
what my blog is about. I know where my daughter is, I think. She should be with her mom, that is if her mom is home. If my daughter is home. She is 15 about to start her 2nd year in high school this summer and is very smart and beautiful. I write this more as a love letter to my daughter than anything.

Before my daughter was born, I dreamed of going to the beach with her and doing things. Children don't stay small forever, so I don't know what to expect. I did have clients in my financial business that had teenage children and it didn't look fun all of the time. None the less, I just wanted to know my daughter better.

The funny thing is I know my daughter better than she realizes because she is very much like me in so many ways. When I grew up, I played games on Atari, Commedore 64 or Nintendo. Kids these days have cell phones. My mom kept a picture album and today everyone has Instagram. So why can't I see her pictures?

My daughter doesn't share her pictures with me probably because she wants to be secrative like her mother. Maybe she is just shy like I was growing up. I don't know how someone so beautiful can be so shy.

Growing up, I did not have many friends because I was shy. I didn't speak much and didn't like other kids because I thought they were stupid and didn't respect each other. Sometimes I would gain a friend by fighting someone. Because I wanted to get good grades in school, I didn't like fighting in school. So I didn't gain friends by fighting in school. Instead I would take a punch and walk away. I owe a few if I were to see one of them on the street in the future.

Speaking of the future, I have always thought of my future. My future came true many different times in many different ways. When I split with my daughter's mother, she already had a lease signed to move out. I had someone ready to watch my daughter during the day while I was at work. Because I was not confident in that person, I decided not to take custody of my daughter in the separation. I was disappointed that was my only opportunity.

I felt good about the separation with my ex-wife because I wanted my daughter to grow up knowing and respecting me. I did not feel that was possible if we stayed together as my ex would leave me at home with her kids and my daughter while she would go out and party with other guys. I knew that I was meant to be with someone to create a future together where we would have a home and a place for my daughter if she wanted to live with us.

During the 2 weeks that I did not see my daughter during the seperation, I wrote letters to her during my lunch break. I wrote one for when she turned 6 where I printed it expecting that she could read it. I wrote a 2nd letter for when she turns 11 years old and this one I wrote in cursive. That was the longes 2 weeks and I felt that I had a connection with her through my letters. I was looking forward to giving those to her at those specific ages.

I was sad when she cried after reading the first letter when she turned 6. In the letter I told her how I missed her since I had not seen her in 2 weeks. Thankfully she didn't have the same reaction after reading the 2nd letter when she turned 11. I did not read either letter after sealing them when she was 6 months old, but I knew that I did not say anything negative towards her mother. I expressed how I missed her and hope that she would live with me one day.

I hope I didn't pressure her, but I did ask her if she wanted to live with me. I remember that she said that she would learn more if she lived with me. I was disappointed, but knew I did everything I could to allow her the opportunity to live with me. I wasted too much money going to court for a judge not to do anything.

I remember the first time when I went to court to try to stop my daughter from moving away. The judge told me that my ex had the right to take my daughter because her husband worked out of state. The judge obviously didn't care as I saw my daughter everyday of the week. I was depressed when I picked her up from Georgia for the first time and she wanted to go home the same day. I took her back the next day as she wanted.

I admit that I have not done everything as my daughter wanted, but a good parent is not supposed to do everything as there are boundries. Unfortunately because I have not been in he life, I don't have the same kind of relationship that I had when she was little. Now that she is older, she has different things going on in her life that I don't understand. Being like me, I can ask her all I want and she won't tell me what is bothering her. She sure didn't have a problem when she was little calling me at 8pm at night to tell me that she was hungry and doesn't know when her mother was coming home. I would call her mother and she would tell me that there was food for them to eat which I thought was inappropriate for a 8 year old girl to be left at home with her older siblings with no guarantee they will fix her something to eat. But I am here an not there.

So what I can control for my daughter here is provide a place for her to stay when ever she wants. Unfortunately that changed dramatically when my parents health took a turn for the worst and they moved in with my wife and I. There is room for my daughter when she visits, but not a room that she can have all to herself. Not only was the room occupied by my parents, but my thoughts have been weighed down with caring for my parents and multiplied by the passing of my father.

Despite my household changes, my love for my daughter still remains. I know things are different as
she is closer to an adult now. I just hope she acts responsibly and wish the best for her always. I would talk to my daughter when she was little like she was grown. Now that she is almost grown, I don't get a chance to talk to her at all. I wish that would change.